Christian Humor & Inspirational Messages

 

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The Spelling Test:

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to Heaven?”

To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.”

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.

“Spell a word,” St. Peter replied. “What word?” she asked.

“Love,” answered St. Peter.  The woman promptly replied, “L-o-v-e.”

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.

“I’d be honored,” she said, “but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?”

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her husband.

“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here. Did I really make it to Heaven?”

To which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word first.”

“What word?” he asked.

The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia.”

 

 

 

Click this link for an inspirational piece of music to lift your heart: http://youtu.be/CF-x3ybA1kc

 

Poem For The Children Of Newtown

Twas’ 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
When 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven’s gate.
Their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air.
They could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.

They were filled with such joy; they didn’t know what to say.
They remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
“Where are we?” asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
“This is heaven” declared a small boy. “We’re spending Christmas at God’s house”.

When what to their wondering eyes did appear,
But Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.

He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
Then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
And in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring,
Those children all flew into the arms of their King…

And as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
One small girl turned and looked at Jesus’ face.
And as if He could read all the questions she had,
He gently whispered to her, “I’ll take care of mom and dad.

Then He looked down on earth, the world far below…
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe…
Then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
“Let My power and presence re-enter this land!

“May this country be delivered from the hands of fools”
“I’m taking back this nation. I’m taking back the schools!
“Then He and the children stood up without a sound.
“Come now my children let me show you around.

“Excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran…
All displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
And I heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
In the midst of this darkness, “I am still the Light.”

~ by Cameo Smith


 

Click on link to see 26 acts of kindness

http://usnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2012/12/18/15999109-if-you-do-good-youll-feel-good-ann-curry-explains-origins-of-26acts-of-kindness?lite

 

Click here: 45 Photos Of Golden Retrievers Comforting The Residents Of Newtown

 

“I am a Christian”

When I say that ‘I am a Christian’, I am not shouting that ‘I am clean living. I’m whispering ‘I was lost, but now I’m found and forgiven.’

When I say ‘I am a Christian’ I don’t speak of this with pride. I’m confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say ‘I am a Christian’ I’m not trying to be strong. I’m professing that I’m weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say ‘I am a Christian’ I’m not bragging of success. I’m admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say ‘I am a Christian’ I’m not claiming to be perfect. My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say ‘I am a Christian’ I still feel the sting of pain. I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say ‘I am a Christian’ I’m not holier than thou, I’m just a simple sinner who received God’s good grace, somehow!

______________________________________________

For the amazing women that I know:

Dear God,


this is my friend, whom I love and this is my prayer for her. 

Help her live her life to the fullest. 

Please promote her and cause her to excel 
above her expectations.. 

Help her to shine in the darkest places 
where it is impossible to love. 

Protect her at all times, 
lift her up when she needs you the most, 

and 

let her know when 
she walks with you,

She will always 
be safe.

Watch the inspirational video at the following link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qfcKvevod3k

 

Feeling lost?  Need directions?  Try God’s book of life directions, and come to Bible studies and talk to your pastor…cause sometimes the big book of directions is confusing too.  Thats part of why God calls us to be together as Christians.

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Five lessons about the way we treat people 1 – First Important Lesson – Cleaning Lady.  (source unknown)

During my second month of college, our professor Gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student And had breezed through the questions until I readThe last one: “What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?” Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the Cleaning woman several times. She was tall, Dark-haired and in her 50′s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question Blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if The last question would count toward our quiz grade. “Absolutely, ” said the professor.. “In your careers,You will meet many people. All are significant.. They Deserve your attention and care, even if all you do Is smile and say “hello..”I’ve never forgotten that lesson… I also learned her Name was Dorothy. 

2. – Second Important Lesson – Pickup in the Rain 

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African AmericanWoman was standing on the side of an Alabama highwayTrying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had Broken down and she desperately needed a ride.
Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally Unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960′s. The manTook her to safety, helped her get assistance and Put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his Address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a Knock came on the man’s door. To his surprise, a Giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A Special note was attached.

It read:
“Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway The other night. The rain drenched not only my Clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying Husband’s’ bedside just before he passed away…. God Bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving
Others..”
Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole. 
3 – Third Important Lesson – Always remember those who serve. 

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, A 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and Sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in Front of him. “How much is an ice cream sundae?” he asked. “Fifty cents,” replied the waitress. The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and Studied the coins in it. “Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?” he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the Waitress was growing impatient.. “Thirty-five cents,” she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins. “I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill onThe table and walked away.

The boy finished the ice Cream, paid the cashier and left.. When the waitress Came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the Table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, Were two nickels and five pennies..
You see, he couldn’t have the sundae, because he had To have enough left to leave her a tip. 
4 – Fourth Important Lesson. – The obstacle in Our Path. 

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a Roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if Anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the King’s’ wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by And simply walked around it.. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did Anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of Vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed
a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.


5 – Fifth Important Lesson – Giving When it Counts… 

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness. The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister.

I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking adeep breath and saying, “Yes I’ll do it if it will save her.” As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, “Will I start to die right away”.

Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Now you have choices.

Live with no regrets, Treat people the way you want to be treated, Work like you dont need the money, Love like youve never been hurt, and Dance like you do when nobodys watching.

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The Legend of The Candy Cane- (source unknown)

A candy maker in Indiana wanted to make a candy that would be a witness, so he made the Christmas Candy Cane.  He incorporated several symbols for the birth, ministry and death of Jesus.

He began with a stick of pure white hard candy. White to symbolize the Virgin Birth and the sinless nature of Jesus, and hard to symbolize the Solid Rock, the foundation of the Church, and firmness of the promises of God.

The candy maker made the candy in the form of a “J” to represent the precious name of Jesus, who came to earth as our Savior. It could also represent the staff of the “Good Shepherd” with which He reaches down into the ditches of the world to lift out the fallen lambs who, like all sheep, have gone astray.

Thinking that the candy was somewhat plain, the candy maker stained it with red stripes. He used three small stripes to show the stripes of the scourging Jesus received by which we are healed. The large red stripe was for the blood shed by Christ on the Cross so that we could have the promise of eternal life.

Unfortunately, the candy became known as a candy cane—a meaningless decoration seen at Christmas time. But the meaning is still there for those who “have eyes to see and ears to hear.”

I pray that this symbol will again be used to witness to the wonder of Jesus and his great love that came down at Christmas and remains the ultimate and dominate force in the universe today.

 

Take Time to be Aware . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Edward Hays, A Pilgrim’s Almanac, p. 196

   “Take time to be aware that in the very midst of our busy preparations for the celebration of Christ’s birth in ancient Bethlehem, Christ is reborn in the Bethlehems of our homes and daily lives. Take time, slow down, be still, be awake to the Divine Mystery that looks so common and so ordinary yet is wondrously present.

   “An old abbot was fond of saying, ‘The devil is always the most active on the highest feast days.’

   “The supreme trick of Old Scratch is to have us so busy decorating, preparing food, practicing music and cleaning in preparation for the feast of Christmas that we actually miss the coming of Christ. Hurt feelings, anger, impatience, injured egos—the list of clouds that busyness creates to blind us to the birth can be long, but it is familiar to us all.”

A Thanksgiving Prayer

For forests tall and oceans deep
For canyons wide and mountains steep
For sunset skies of pink and gold
For every sunrise we behold
For Winter’s snow and springtime’s thaw
For Summer’s warmth and Autumn’s awe
For roofs that keep the rain away
For walls that hold it all at bay
For work that puts food on the table
For health and rest to keep us able
For friends and family around us
For years to come, may they surround us
For soldiers fighting for our peace
For days to come when wars may cease
For hope, so burdens won’t enslave us
For thy forgiveness which will save us
For feast, and those with whom we share it
For loving hands that did prepare it
For all that makes this life worth living
We take this time on this Thanksgiving
To bow our heads and bend a knee
And pause to look around and see
For all that was, is, and shall be
We have none to thank, Oh Lord, but thee.
Amen.

Take Time to be Aware . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Edward Hays, A Pilgrim’s Almanac, p. 196

   “Take time to be aware that in the very midst of our busy preparations for the celebration of Christ’s birth in ancient Bethlehem, Christ is reborn in the Bethlehems of our homes and daily lives. Take time, slow down, be still, be awake to the Divine Mystery that looks so common and so ordinary yet is wondrously present.

   “An old abbot was fond of saying, ‘The devil is always the most active on the highest feast days.’

   “The supreme trick of Old Scratch is to have us so busy decorating, preparing food, practicing music and cleaning in preparation for the feast of Christmas that we actually miss the coming of Christ. Hurt feelings, anger, impatience, injured egos—the list of clouds that busyness creates to blind us to the birth can be long, but it is familiar to us all.”——————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————– 

Memory Awakens Hope. . . . . . . . . Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger, Seek That Which Is Above,1986

     “Advent is concerned with that very connection between memory and hope which is so necessary to man. Advent’s intention is to awaken the most profound and basic emotional memory within us, namely, the memory of the God who became a child. This is a healing memory; it brings hope. The purpose of the Church’s year is continually to rehearse her great history of memories, to awaken the heart’s memory so that it can discern the star of hope.…

     It is the beautiful task of Advent to awaken in all of us memories of goodness and thus to open doors of hope.”

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Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, ‘THAT’S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.’

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded..

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards..

They created charts and graphs..

They did some genealogy reports .

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed  across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off..

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed..

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

‘It’s gone! It’s all GONE! ‘I lost everything when the power went out!’
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
‘Wait!’ he screamed. ‘That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any?’
God just shrugged and said,

JESUS SAVES….

One Response to Christian Humor & Inspirational Messages

  1. Stay Young My Friend

    HOW TO STAY YOUNG
    1. Try everything twice.
    On one woman’s tombstone she said she wanted this epitaph:
    “Tried everything twice. Loved it both times!”

    2. Keep only cheerful friends.
    The grouches pull you down.
    (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches!)

    3. Keep learning:
    Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever…
    Never let the brain get idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’
    And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s!

    4. Enjoy the simple things.

    5. Laugh often, long and loud.
    Laugh until you gasp for breath.
    And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
    spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

    6.. The tears happen:
    Endure, grieve, and move on.
    The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
    LIVE while you are alive.

    7. Surround yourself with what you love:
    Whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever..
    Your home is your refuge.

    8. Cherish your health:
    If it is good, preserve it.
    If it is unstable, improve it.
    If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

    9. Don’t take guilt trips..
    Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county,
    to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

    10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
    I love you, my special friend.

    Remember! Lost time can never be found.

    Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some k ind of battle.

    Wine does not make you FAT …

    - it makes you LEAN ….
    (Against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.)